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Sunday, September 15, 2013

Is It Over?!

Forgive me if I've already voiced this emotion of deployment, but it's one that I'm most surprised by. I'm not even sure if there's a name for it other than tired/exhausted/drained. I knew that I'd miss Lane - that was a given. But after the missing him part of this and creating a new norm for us at home as a family of 3, I started to feel something different. Don't get me wrong...I always miss him and wonder when he's going to be able to call, and my heart still skips a beat when my phone rings {not to mention the kids run screaming towards me with the phone yelling "Daaaaaaaaady!"} but I'm just tired. Someone said it best the other day when they said that they were counting down the days until they could get a break from the Marine Corps - away from when is he coming home, away from who's husband is here and who's is gone and for how long {because that's how the C-130 squadrons work, they're all gone at different times, doing different things}. Lucky for me, my break starts in a little over a week from now.

But, back to my unknown emotion of exhaustion. I knew I'd be on my own. I knew that the house, yard, and general work would be up to me. I knew that ultimately I'd be in charge of making sure the bills got paid. I would be in charge of broken things. I'd be in charge of doctors appointments for me and the kids {this isn't new, but can often be the straw that breaks the camel's back at the end of the day.} I'm in charge of the yard. I'm in charge of the food. I'm in charge of the grocery shopping. I'm in charge of the outings. I'm in charge of the heavy lifting. I'm in charge of the hugs and kisses. I'm in charge of so. much. more! Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe!

Tonight I was out cutting the grass. My parents called because they were in the car. I sounded tired when I answered - because I was cutting the grass! Oh, and because I was awake at 1:30 cleaning up Nugget poop in my bathroom. Oh, and then I was awake at 5:30 because Eden had a fever of 102.2 and she needed Tylenol. Oh yeah, then when both kids were awake they needed my 110% attention all day. So yes, I was tired. When I answered, my dad asked, "Hey! Are you taking a nap?" Haha, very funny Dad! Nope, not napping {though I occasionally do - ok, I probably do more than I should!} just cutting the grass that hasn't been cut all month. I had to cut the back yard twice because it was so tall. Hunter was almost lost because the grass was so tall!

I am just so tired of doing it all. I know that it had to cross my mind when Lane left that doing it all was part of the deal, but I'm not sure I realized what doing it all actually was. I guess, what I really didn't realize was the help that I got from Lane when I thought he was doing "nothing." I mean, it's football season. The season that I get most of my laundry help ever! The unspoken deal in our house is that if he's going to sit on the couch all day Saturday AND Sunday, he's going to fold laundry. I'll wash it all week long, he folds it on the weekends. It's just what works for us. My laundry right now is overflowing. I don't want to wash it because I know I have to fold it. The laundry that is washed and folded? Yeah, it's still in a basket in my bedroom...waiting to be put away.

I'm just tired of doing it all. I only thought I did it all before. Boy was I wrong! Can deployment be over now? I promise I won't complain about Lane doing "nothing" anymore {or at least for a little while after he gets home...}

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